Reality

There are still moments when the reality of my new life catches me off guard. Tonight, I got into bed and this is what greeted me on my bedside table ...

I stopped for a while and just stared at the pink soother. And I kept thinking ... that belongs to my daughter ... my little baby girl ... she's here ... she is really really here. I yearned for her for so long. I cried for her on more occasions than I can remember. I pleaded and begged God for her.

So, I did what any parent would do in my shoes, I crept into her bedroom and took a photo of her sleeping ...

And in the perfect way that life often presents itself, another of her pink soothers was next to her in her crib. My proof that Evyn is here, and that Evyn is my reality.

For me, it has been a subtle change-over from 'waiting adoptive parent' to 'mother.' I thought I would feel instantly different once we got the call that Evyn's adoption papers had been signed. When I didn't feel different, I wondered if it would be when I held her in my arms for the first time. When I didn't feel like a mother in that moment, I wondered if it would be when I got up every few hours that night to feed and comfort her. But even then, I still didn't feel like a mother.

Tonight, while getting ready for bed, the pink soother on my bedside table helped me understand my process to motherhood. There had been no defining moment of when it began for me ... I became a mother long before Evyn was conceived and her adoption was finalized. I have always been a mother ... I just needed to find my baby, at the right time and in the right way.

So, I crept back into Evyn's room and kissed her goodnight. I adjusted zebra so that he wasn't covering her face, and I put her pink soother back in her mouth. And this time I didn't need to take a photo because I didn't need proof that she was real. Because she just is.

I feel the need to explain ...

I have been trying to write this first blog entry for months. I follow many creative and inspiring blogs, and there is nothing more daunting than reading their latest entries and then sitting down to write your own. But I need to stop being a perfectionist ... so I have promised myself that today's efforts will be published. So WELCOME to my blog. My hope is that it will be a real place - sometimes happy, sometimes funny, sometimes sad, but always genuine.

My life has changed significantly recently and I am finding it difficult to put those life-changing moments into words ... here is my best attempt ...

After 4 years of trying to become a mother, my daughter was born on November 1st, 2010. On November 7th, the most beautiful little girl was placed in my arms by her birth mother and my world was forever changed. I remember the moment that our hotel room door closed behind her birth mother and the social worker - my husband and I just looked at each other, and then at the baby, and then back at each other. What I saw in his eyes was 4 years of sadness melting away. 4 years of waiting and hoping and wishing coming to an end. There had been a lot of tears during those 4 years. Every period, every bad test result, every friend that announced a pregnancy. But in that moment, it all just made sense. This was what it was all for. She was ours and we were hers, and it had to take 4 years for our paths to cross. Maybe, I'm just being sentimental and looking for profound meaning where only coincidence and good timing exist. But you'll have to allow me this indulgence.

My daughter is 3 months old now and has been steadily burrowing her way deeper into my heart since that first day. I finally understand why parents talk incessantly about their children ... you just can't help it. I have a life outside of motherhood, one that I will share more about in future posts. But today it's about my daughter and how she has changed me. She has reminded me of what happiness feels like, of what joy looks like, and that sometimes the best things in life really can follow profound sadness and loss.

Photos taken by http://www.robynmichelleleephotography.com/