Reality

There are still moments when the reality of my new life catches me off guard. Tonight, I got into bed and this is what greeted me on my bedside table ...

I stopped for a while and just stared at the pink soother. And I kept thinking ... that belongs to my daughter ... my little baby girl ... she's here ... she is really really here. I yearned for her for so long. I cried for her on more occasions than I can remember. I pleaded and begged God for her.

So, I did what any parent would do in my shoes, I crept into her bedroom and took a photo of her sleeping ...

And in the perfect way that life often presents itself, another of her pink soothers was next to her in her crib. My proof that Evyn is here, and that Evyn is my reality.

For me, it has been a subtle change-over from 'waiting adoptive parent' to 'mother.' I thought I would feel instantly different once we got the call that Evyn's adoption papers had been signed. When I didn't feel different, I wondered if it would be when I held her in my arms for the first time. When I didn't feel like a mother in that moment, I wondered if it would be when I got up every few hours that night to feed and comfort her. But even then, I still didn't feel like a mother.

Tonight, while getting ready for bed, the pink soother on my bedside table helped me understand my process to motherhood. There had been no defining moment of when it began for me ... I became a mother long before Evyn was conceived and her adoption was finalized. I have always been a mother ... I just needed to find my baby, at the right time and in the right way.

So, I crept back into Evyn's room and kissed her goodnight. I adjusted zebra so that he wasn't covering her face, and I put her pink soother back in her mouth. And this time I didn't need to take a photo because I didn't need proof that she was real. Because she just is.